Is this it? Teaching?

Eventually, I will stop floundering and fix on the thing that I'm going to be doing for the next twenty years or so!

I think I might have found it.  I've been saying that I don't want to teach, based on other people telling me that I don't want to teach.  And I know that teaching is stressful, and that it can be thankless.  But, really, why am I running away from it, when I've got a pretty good idea that it's something I'll be good at.  I've noticed that when I do work in schools (I'm volunteering in my kids' school now), I do find it easy to engage with the children, and find it very rewarding.  And, for some strange reason, children seem to like me!  I'm horrible to my own kids, but don't have that shoutiness when it comes to the children in school - I have more patience.  And I enjoy it.  Listening to little Year 1 girls and boys read, whilst repetitive and not very demanding, is quite a highlight of my week.  It's wonderful, after watching them struggle, to see them learn something under your guidance.  I didn't think I would like it as much as I do, but I actually love it.  And when a wee person rushes up and gives you a big hug for no reason, that's got to tell you that you're doing something right.

So I'm going to have a chat with a nice lady this morning, about doing an Access to Teaching Diploma.  That would get me on to a PGCE - if I do well, of course!  I need to know more about the course, what it qualifies me to do, what I'll be able to teach, how I will manage financially - I might need some funding, because I'll still need to pay my bills and feed my own children.  And I would like to teach Secondary level, not Primary.  The little kids are gorgeous, and lovely, but I think that after a while I would start to get bored.  I think I would prefer the challenge of teaching Secondary, perhaps get more out of it myself, and learn more from the kids.

I really hope I'm able to do this - I hope financial constraints don't prevent me.  My only other option, if I can't afford the Access course, is to study, self-funded, with the Open University, to complete a BA in English (that would take six years), then do the PGCE.  It would take me until I'm 42 to be qualified.  I don't want to be waiting that long, if I can help it.  If I can do the Access course, I could be a qualified teacher by the time I'm 38.  That sounds better.

Once again, I am in limbo, waiting to find out if I can do this.  I always seem to be in limbo, waiting to find out something.  I think I'm going to have to go to meditation classes, to learn to deal with anxiety!  I can cope well with depression, but anxiety is a whole different thing.

I think I suit a sewing machine.  It's about time I did some of that again as well.  I've got a dress to make up.  Although it's possible I might not be invited to go to the festival it's intended for next year!  Life's a bit strange when your mum has cut you out of hers.  Mental illness really sucks, I can tell you that.

But life goes on ... well mine certainly goes.

Lx.

I am NOT doing that again!

Well, I never thought it would happen to me, because I have an unshakeable core of happiness and joy, but I've just spent a couple of weeks being depressed.  I didn't like Depression, so I decided not to stay.

I shan't go into the details of what made me depressed, because it's all rather personal, and if it's all the same to you I'd rather save it for my diary :)

But two things I've learned about myself from this short period of downness:
1)  It's possible for me to be low, emotionally speaking;
2)  I can recognise that I'm not feeling tip top, and can take steps to fix my brain, which makes me very proud of myself :)  (That's not to say anything disparaging about anyone who suffers really serious depression - their depression is their business, and mine is mine.)

So I've put all the negativity behind me now.   I did it this morning, and decided that I'd like to get back to being myself.  It's quite amazing that it's possible to just flick a switch and feel one's mojo return.  Mmm.  Good.

Suddenly, heaps of motivation, skiploads of ideas, bucketfuls of energy, none of which did I have yesterday.  The first thing to do though, is get an early night, and approach tomorrow completely fresh and eager.  There's a whole morning to fill with job searching and writing (I'm a single parent now, and have to find a job as quickly as possible), before an afternoon of Key Stage 2 maths (for helping my children with their homework - but I think I might sign up to do a GCSE in maths next September, just because).  I think I will update blogs tomorrow morning, and take a look at one of my novels and decide which one to work on again (anything familiar here?!).

I'm volunteering at the boys' school a couple of afternoons a week now, and I kind of wish I wasn't.  It's nice and all, but it's really going to eat into my week.  The days pass so quickly anyway, but having to break off from productive stuff is a pain.  Mind you, if I start to get proofreading work again I'll have to give up the volunteering - I suppose I could make use of the CRB check that school paid for by offering my services for a story club or something.  I wonder if they'd let me do that.  It could be for years 4 and 5 perhaps, the kids who can actually write properly so that we'd get some good stories out of them.  I could teach them how to write a proper story over a term.  Or maybe over a half-term.  And then they could read them out at the end of term.  Maybe they could read extracts from them in assembly.  I think I'll do my volunteering for a while longer, and then perhaps put the idea to the head.  I think I should get paid for that though!

Ha!  See?  No depression here now :)  Motivated.

Ooh, ooh: I'm also supposed to be thinking about writing a script, after the inspiring BBC Writersroom workshop I went to at the Duke's.  Yep, yep, I need to do that too.

And a short story.  They're expensive though, on account of there being an entrance fee for most competitions.

Going to watch the end of A Time to Kill before I go to sleep.  Nanight.

Oh no, before I go, here's a picture of me with Adrian Lukis (Mr Wickham from the 1995 BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice), which was taken by my mum in the Assembly Rooms in Bath :)

And me with Caroline Langrishe :)

I look like a moron in both photos, but at least you can see one of my dresses.  There were five more.  I'll show you those another time.

Night.