I think I might have found it. I've been saying that I don't want to teach, based on other people telling me that I don't want to teach. And I know that teaching is stressful, and that it can be thankless. But, really, why am I running away from it, when I've got a pretty good idea that it's something I'll be good at. I've noticed that when I do work in schools (I'm volunteering in my kids' school now), I do find it easy to engage with the children, and find it very rewarding. And, for some strange reason, children seem to like me! I'm horrible to my own kids, but don't have that shoutiness when it comes to the children in school - I have more patience. And I enjoy it. Listening to little Year 1 girls and boys read, whilst repetitive and not very demanding, is quite a highlight of my week. It's wonderful, after watching them struggle, to see them learn something under your guidance. I didn't think I would like it as much as I do, but I actually love it. And when a wee person rushes up and gives you a big hug for no reason, that's got to tell you that you're doing something right.
So I'm going to have a chat with a nice lady this morning, about doing an Access to Teaching Diploma. That would get me on to a PGCE - if I do well, of course! I need to know more about the course, what it qualifies me to do, what I'll be able to teach, how I will manage financially - I might need some funding, because I'll still need to pay my bills and feed my own children. And I would like to teach Secondary level, not Primary. The little kids are gorgeous, and lovely, but I think that after a while I would start to get bored. I think I would prefer the challenge of teaching Secondary, perhaps get more out of it myself, and learn more from the kids.
I really hope I'm able to do this - I hope financial constraints don't prevent me. My only other option, if I can't afford the Access course, is to study, self-funded, with the Open University, to complete a BA in English (that would take six years), then do the PGCE. It would take me until I'm 42 to be qualified. I don't want to be waiting that long, if I can help it. If I can do the Access course, I could be a qualified teacher by the time I'm 38. That sounds better.
Once again, I am in limbo, waiting to find out if I can do this. I always seem to be in limbo, waiting to find out something. I think I'm going to have to go to meditation classes, to learn to deal with anxiety! I can cope well with depression, but anxiety is a whole different thing.
But life goes on ... well mine certainly goes.