I'm in my brain

I feel like a strange and interesting change has come over me. I think I woke up the other day and was just a bit different. I don't really know what I mean by that. Something's just different in my mind, the way I see myself I think. I think I've moved on from something, but I don't know what it is I've moved on from, or to. I'm feeling all kind of wooly.

Perhaps I'm just tired :D

So this is a picture (below) of a human brain. I don't know what all the different sections of it are for, but I thought I'd post it because I've been a little bit fascinated by brains this week. I saw one being cut up on The Story of Science, and it was just incredibly interesting. Imagine all of the stuff that happens in our bodies, as well as our consciousness, stemming from this strange looking lump of matter. It's completely mind-boggling! It's like one of those things you discuss at Uni, when you're drunk, that just makes you stop and go 'oh ... wow ... my mind is melting ... this is too complex and massive for my brain to cope with'! It's like our minds - the minds of those of us who are not geniuses - can handle the middle sized things, the every day things, the things we see happen all the time. But they can't cope with things that happen on a gargantuan scale - such as galaxies forming. And equally they can't cope with things that happen on a nanoscale - such as cells dividing. All completely, bafflingly beautiful.

(I was going to post a picture of an actual human brain, but when it came to it I, strangely, found myself feeling rather squeamish. Couldn't do it. Weird. Sorry.)

This is what I am doing quite a lot of the time. Thinking, pondering, wondering, staring into space with a vacant look on my face. Pretty sure I'm just tired actually! Probably I should get some decent sleep, and stop staring into space until midnight, and then I'll be able to think more clearly.

Yesterday I was thinking about my childishness. I was thinking about the reason I know I'll never properly grow up actually. It was while I was playing with James and Matthew in The Zone for four hours that I realised that I'll never be able to call myself a 'woman', because I'll always be a girl. This is fine by me - I don't want to be a woman, ever. (I'm not saying I want to be a man!) So I made a list of things that I am still able to do now, that I thought I would not still be doing by the age of 33.

• Playing in soft play areas
• Talking to imaginary people
• Pretending to be on magical and epic quests when I am walking somewhere by myself (I see dragons on these quests, and I carry a sword, and fight orcs, and sometimes I ride an imaginary horse, and I always have a band of motley companions)
• Climbing trees (my favourite thing to do outdoors!)
• Believing that the stories in books and films are REAL - I truly believe that Middle Earth and Pandora exist!
• Watching Dogtanian and the Muskehounds
• Enjoying picking my own scabs and prodding my own bruises

This is just what I thought of yesterday. There are many more things I do that a person of my age probably wouldn't normally be doing, but I'm going to strive to keep doing them until I'm 113. I've picked 113 as the age at which I will die, and I'm sticking to that. My Uncle Andrew has said that he will be 116, so I'll die six years after him as he's only nine years older than me (have I got the maths right there? I usually don't get the maths right).

That was completely random!

I just spoke to a lady who's working on a documentary for Channel 4 :) She just phoned to speak to me as I was writing this. It was in response to a text I sent yesterday. I'd forgotten about it. They're making a documentary on the differences between raising a family full of girls, with a family full of boys. I thought it would be good to get a chance to participate because we have three ace boys. We chatted, and it was nice, and I wanted her to say that we could be on the telly, but she didn't, lol :) Our boys are too young for this particular project, which would involve swapping children with another family for the weekend. I think Thomas and James would be alright with that, but Matthew would be another story, lol. He'd be very upset to leave me (won't have a choice in October when I go off to sun myself in Barbados for a week, ha ha!). Oh, and he'd be very upset to leave Kev too, of course :D

So, back to normal. Where was I, before thoughts of celebrity and riches forced themselves to the front of my mind?!

Ah yes, I was about to finish off this post. I have two hours to get some writing done before collecting J and M. I caught an inspiration particle for a new story this morning, dammit! There I was, just minding my own business, making a cup of tea and some toast with lemon curd, when this story just dropped into my brain. I let out a little gasp of surprise, then giggled with delight as I realised the whole story was right there, and then frowned and said 'oh no' because this was what happened when I was writing my Faerie story - Freaky Jones just forced her way in, and prevented me from seeing the faeries clearly. I can't have another story come and block my view of Freaky. This has got to stop right here! I'll make a quick note of the new story, but that's it - literally, a note. No more. Freaky Jones must be finished this year - early next year at the latest. I'll never get anything published if I keep starting stories but never finishing them - flaky procrastinator, I am!

So, onward ...

Sorry in advance, for a waffly post.

It's one of those evenings, the kind when I feel like blogging, but have nothing interesting to say. What? That happens all the time, you say? I know. But I'm particularly devoid of inspiration today. I'm hoping to find some on Saturday, on my Day Off.

This evening I have been practising on my guitar. I practise every day if I can. I'm enjoying it hugely, it's such a relaxing hobby to have. The skin on my fingertips is getting nice and tough, and it really doesn't hurt to play now - not that it was ever agony. I've got to the end of the book that my brother lent me: Rhythm Guitar for Beginners :) I'm off to the music shop in Morecambe to find the next book tomorrow - might have a little browse for some easy song books too. I don't really know what I want to play, so I don't know what I'm looking for. So far I've been learning lots of nice chords, and just practising them over and over again, changing between them and trying to memorise the fingering. I'm enjoying the major seventh chords that I've just learned - they're very, very pretty. I'd quite like to learn some songs that I could sing to - but don't expect to ever hear me, because I'm learning for myself only, not to perform!

Now, there's something I miss. The stage. I haven't thought about it for a long time, and once upon a time it was all I thought about. *Deep sigh of regret* I miss the theatre. I was never on stage very much, only a few shows and a few plays at Uni. But oh, it's good! I think I was pretty good at acting, and I have often wondered whether I could've made a living out of it. Never know now. Shame. Could still do some am-dram though :D But how on earth would I fit it in now?! Got the writing to do, got college to go to in a couple of years, college to prepare for next year, kids to play with, guitar to learn, adventures to go on. I just don't know if I can spare three evenings a week for rehearsals. Mmmm. It'd be nice though :) That rush of adrenaline again - mmmm, it is good.

We'll see.

The other thing on my mind is the book. I've decided what to do, but don't hold your breathe waiting for me to stick to today's plan! I know I change my mind between the two novels that I'm working on as often as I ... do the dusting, but this time I think I've come up with a good solution to my fickleness problem. I'm going to get the manuscript ready for Freaky Jones (this is the working title for a story that grew out of some memories of my own life at senior school) over the next few months. The story is almost all there in my head, clear as anything, it just needs writing down. Easy peasy! Then I'm going to send it off to a publisher. Then, while I'm waiting to hear back about Freaky Jones (and this could take a very long time, and I could have one or two more manuscripts done by the time I ever hear anything about the first one!) I can work on the other one, about faeries. If I get the one that's easier to write out of the way then I can't be distracted by it, can I? That seems so obvious now, I don't know why I didn't think to do this months ago. D'uh. Relief, for now - but I may well change my mind again next week, he he!

Well, I'm off to read for a bit now. Night all.