Ooorrrrrggggh! Ache.

Oh, what a beautiful day we had yesterday. It was completely by accident too! We had intended to go for a walk at the Ribblehead Viaduct. That's not a walk I've ever done before, but my dad recommended it and said it would be fine for the boys. Well, being disorganised and a bit lazy, as we often are at weekends, we didn't manage to get dressed until after 11am. Hmm, not really much point in trying to get to the viaduct at that time. So we went to Bull Beck for a bacon butty. And what a good thing we did. We had a tiny walk around the beck there, and I think the boys thought that that was it for fresh air. They were all for getting back in the car and coming home to play inside. But I could see that Kev was itching to stretch his legs properly, and frankly, so was I. So we decided to go for a little explore, much to the boys vexation. Kev had a book of walks in the car, and found that there was a path/cycle track across the road from where we were. We set off.

There were two directions that we could have gone in. To the left the path was smooth and black, straight and safe. To the right it was rough, more overgrown, and just a little bit forbidding. Of course, we took the path to the right. And immediately it felt like we'd stepped into Lord of the Rings, and I could've sworn I saw some black riders in the distance. And then, despite themselves, the boys started to have fun. They started to collect things, and race each other and sing and skip.

The path actually wasn't very long, and we soon came to a stile. Well, we couldn't go under it, and we couldn't go through it, so we had to go over it. And then we were in a field that the river cut through, and there were cows grazing on the bank. I have an aversion to cows on account of almost being trampled by one when I was about nine :) But I was brave - actually, I think I've grown out of my fear, because I was fine - and we set off along the river, not really knowing how long the walk was and if we'd make it back to the car by nightfall! We were not properly prepared for a walk - the breeze was quite chilly, and we had no coats. Matthew was in his wellies, which were not the best shoes for walking. But we made the best of it. We wandered down to the river bank and skimmed stones for a while, and then ran about the field enjoying the fresh air and freedom. We watched the sandmartins catching midges, and there were a few pairs of ospreys calling to each other and circling. (We think they were ospreys, but we're not entirely sure as they were moving so fast it was difficult to get a good look at them. Try this link to see what an osprey sounds like: RSPB.) It was idyllic, such a pretty day, and such a pretty place.

We came to another stile at the end of this field, and this took us into a field full of sheep. At this point we thought that we were probably quite close to Woody's butty bar - but we were not at all close to Woody's butty bar!! At the other side of the sheep field - through masses and masses of sheep droppings! - we came to a bridge, which was not the bridge we had expected it to be. It was a bridge of huge water pipes and was enormous and rather hostile-looking. Kev and I exchanged a look, but carried on. Now we faced a choice - to go back across the two fields, or to embrace the spirit of adventure and carry on. Of course, we carried on, with barely a moment's hesitation :) And we were glad that we did.

We trekked down the side of the river, through several more fields, and over several more stiles, through bluebell woods and on dusty trails. There were sandmartins all the way down, and we saw a heron too. From just after the strange water-pipe bridge James and Matthew had reached their walking limit, so they hitched a ride on our backs - hence the title of today's blog :) Yes, we ache today - but it's a good ache, one that we've earned! Eventually we made it to Woody's butty bar. And after a bit of chocolate and a cuppa, we got onto the cycle track that followed the river back upstream on the opposite side. We were back at the car within twenty minutes. This cycle track would have been the one we walked on if we had taken the left path at the beginning of our walk - depending on your point of view, it would have either saved us a few hours of walking and hard work, or it would have robbed us of a beautiful afternoon :) I think we were all very glad that we took the right path.

Just before we got back to the car Matthew fell fast asleep in my arms :)

The day before yesterday we made a different discovery. I took the boys, with my mum, to a little play area near our house. It was one that Noomski and I used to go to, with our friend Caroline who lived next door. I didn't know what it would be like now, not having seen it for many years. I imagined that it would be a mess, probably full of broken glass and other nasty things. I had half a hope that it had been restored - but knowing our council, that would be highly unlikely, since they're closing most of the play areas around here!

Well, we had a lovely surprise when we got there. It hadn't been restored, but it was beautiful. It was clean, there was no litter, no broken glass, and the grass had been cut recently. The swings were still intact, and the slide had not rusted away. The only shame was that the big tyre swing had been removed - though its frame was still there, as you can see in the photo. This play area was away from the road, surrounded by trees and brambles (we must remember the brambles when it's blackberry time!), and was just a place of tranquility. The grass was dry, and we sat down to do some sketching - Thomas had decided to bring some paper and crayons and pencils :) It was a morning of beautiful simplicity, of relaxing fun. Is there actually anything better than being a child and sliding down a huge slide? I don't think so.

So, we decided that this will be our place to go when we can't think of anywhere to go - it's just round the corner from our house: I can't believe I forgot about it. We'll remember this place for those days in the summer when we want a bit of fresh air and to stretch our legs, but are too lazy - or too skint - to go further afield. It's a little treasure :) We'll take picnics too.

All that remains is to give the place a name - Hamilton Drive Play Area just doesn't do it for me. Something much more airy-fairy is required, something a bit Anne-of-Green-Gables I should think. I'll let you know when we decide :)

Happy Bank Holiday.

Who are they?!

So I've been having a look at my Clustrmap every day, and seeing that there's always someone looking at my blog. Some days I get about six or seven visits, but other days I get about sixteen. I think that's amazing, considering that I don't know that many people. I am assuming that the people who read my blog are people who know me personally, but I suppose I could have been accidentally found by strangers by now. I have only four followers though, so I have no idea who most of the other watchers are. Perhaps that is a good thing - perhaps I'd be scared to write if I knew who everyone was! I've not found this blog thing particular nerve-wracking though, apart from the first post I shared to Facebook. I did worry that I'd get lots of comments about what a silly and naive little girl I am! But since that initial sort of oh my god, everyone's going to see what I've written feeling, I've not really been bothered by that kind of stage fright. (Now that I've said that I'm a little bit nervous!) And in fact, blogging has made my actual diary redundant, which is a bit of a shame because I was enjoying keeping it. But I'm finding that I no longer feel a desperate need to write things in a book that isn't going to be read until after I'm dead! It's weird, but I do feel like I'm actually talking to people in my blog - even though I don't know exactly who's listening - whereas, in my diary, I am just talking to myself.

But the Clustrmap is a lovely thing, because I can see exactly where I'm being visited from. There's that nice big red spot over the North of England, which is where most people are looking from - they must be my family and friends. But there are a couple of medium-sized spots in the South. Not entirely sure who they are, but lots of friends from Uni are in London-and-surrounding-area. I keep hoping that I'll get some views from somewhere other than Europe and North America, but perhaps I'll have to wait until my novels have been translated into seventy-nine languages for those.

Here is me getting ready for my flying lesson. I've already posted this picture, a few entries ago. But I was just thinking of being in a little plane to go and have a look at the world, and see where my visitors are. I haven't done any of my dream flying for a while, so I might do that before I go to sleep. If any of you fancy joining me, I'm thinking of having a look at the Great Wall of China first, probably around about 11.30pm GMT.

Oh! Passports - can someone please remind me to get a passport form from the Post Office tomorrow? I don't really need it for the dream flying, but if I don't order my passport very soon I will not be able to go to Noomski and Jessica's wedding in October - since I am the Best Man I think it's important that I be there!

Night all :)

... erm ...

I'm posting today, because I feel like I should. It's been a few days without a post from me now, so I really should write something. I have nothing interesting to say at the moment though. It's one of those weeks that just passes. Nothing exciting has happened, nothing exciting is due to happen, and everything is just nice. It's difficult to write about nice though. Nice is quite boring really. The weather's ... nice. Erm, the boys are all behaving beautifully this week, which is ... nice. Erm. Hmm.

Oh. I've just remembered something that might be a bit interesting. When I was in the Music Spot on Saturday, buying some picks and strings, I saw a flyer on the notice board. It was asking for ladies to join a group of singers. It's a new group, not started up yet, and they are planning to sing madrigals and close harmony a cappella (although, I've just realised that they spelled a cappella wrong - can I stand to work with a group of people who cannot spell?!)

This is what a madrigal is:

madrigal |ˈmadrigəl|nouna part-song for several voices, esp. one of the Renaissance period, typically arranged in elaborate counterpoint and without instrumental accompaniment. Originally used of a genre of 14th-century Italian songs, the term now usually refers to English or Italian songs of the late 16th and early 17th c., in a free style strongly influenced by the text.

So I thought I might pop them an email, and ask for more information. Since I saw a little Baroque concert at the Cathedral with my mum before Christmas, I've been thinking that it would be lovely to sing in a sort of choir. And this style of music is very beautiful, and quite different. I don't know much about it at all, but it does appeal, nonetheless.

Apparently, this is a madrigal costume - but I just pilfered it off Google images, so I have no idea if it has anything to do with singing! I wonder if madrigal singers are required to wear such attire? Ooh, I hope so - it'd be lovely to wear a dress like that :)

Fresh bloggings from my Day Off.

9.45am: Dalton Square

Sitting on a bench, drenched in sunlight, enjoying a little tranquility. It's funny, but for some reason, in this little patch of garden, with the rude statue of Queen Victoria in the centre, you can filter out the sound of the traffic on the main road just a few yards away, and you can hear birds and bees, and notice things growing. The square looks perfect this morning, full to bursting with golden yellow flowers. And the trees are so pretty now that the leaves are bursting forth from their buds, like scrunches of lime tissue paper, stuck on by my children with blobs of glue.

April is no longer the month of rain, is it? It's now the month that I get tanned, the month in which everyone emerges from Winter with a smile, the gateway to Summer, the month of Hope.

Mmm. Costa is calling.

10.15am: Costa Coffee

Nice little bit of banter between the barista, myself and the next customer just now. Always nice to enjoy a bit of banter in the morning. It's a small thing, but a precious thing nonetheless - a smile, a genuine smile from the person serving you. It really does make all the difference between a good day and a less good day.

Almond croissant, pot of Earl Grey, we're good to go.

Write.

2.30pm: Upstairs in Starbucks

Many things achieved in the first half of the day:

• Lots of writing and planning of Freaky Jones
• New guitar book and picks purchased
• Some articles read in Mslexia (women's writing magazine)
• Healthy lunch eaten, in the company of my mum :)
• Advice read and digested from Novelist's Boot Camp

Lots! Still got the rest of the afternoon and evening ... good day :)

3.45pm: Starbucks still

Ugh. I feel fat and fraudulent! Sitting here, all bohemian, pretending to be a writer, thinking I'm being youthful and gorgeous having a skinny latte and some crunchy vegetable sticks!

But the place has filled up with students - eighteen-to-twenty-year-olds, and I both hate them and love them at the same time. I hate them because I am jealous, and I want to be twenty, to have smooth skin (not that I ever did!) with no sign of a wrinkle, and hair that doesn't need to be dyed. I want to have their fashion sense (not that I could afford it when I was twenty), their traumas about love and coursework.

But my goodness, they're beautiful to watch, and that is why I love them. Their friendships, their closeness, their wisdom, their confidence, their enthusiasm, their freedom. I've only recently realised that I am no longer one of them, and that I haven't been one of them for a long time.

5.45pm: Verdes, 'table for one, please'

It makes me laugh. I love coming to a restaurant by myself, having my tea cooked for me, not having to do the washing up, being able to eat in peace and having time to enjoy my food. But the look that flashes across the waiter's face when I ask for a table for myself is priceless, every time. Surprise, confusion, embarrassment, recovery, pity, understanding, all within half a second. I always struggle to keep a straight face. Perhaps they would find it easier to comprehend me eating alone if I wore a suit, had a mobile phone in a holster at my belt, and carried a briefcase and a laptop (actually, I do carry a laptop, but you can't tell as it's cleverly hidden in my charming satchel!). As it is I come in looking like right scruff, a bit disheveled after a day of drinking coffee, and loaded down with bags, looking like an escaped housewife.

Anyway. Lots more work done. Written a few thousand words today (don't worry Sazzle - writing a first draft of a book is nothing like writing a science assignment: that's 5,200 words for the bin, 800 to keep!!).

Am going to write for another hour, then am going to treat myself to an hour's read before Clash of the Titans :)

6.20pm

SO FUNNY!! One of the waiter's came to ask if I was okay, and then asked what I was writing. I told him it was Freaky Jones, and then a waitress came over too and asked what it was about. We chatted for a few minutes and she told me about a diary she'd written in the style of Belle Du Jour!

Since then I have been treated with something akin to reverence! The smiles are no longer smiles of pity, but nervous smiles full of bewildered awe! I feel like a celebrity, he he. I could get used to this. The waiter said he'd look forward to reading my book when it's published. I'll personally bring Verdes a free signed copy and give them an acknowledgement in it if it's published!

Oh my word - as I was writing that last paragraph, the waiter came back over and asked if I would write a little character into the book, called Guy! I'm going to leave a nice tip :)

Oh my word once more - the waitress asked if I'd put her in it too. She's called Eva. This is hilarious!

7.45pm: Vue cinema

I'm an hour early for my film, but it's nice. The cinema's a little creepy when it's empty, but I kind of like it.

I had to leave Verdes as the attention was freaking me out! The waitress who took my money at the till said 'you've caused quite a stir' and she grinned. I said I felt like a celebrity, and she said 'well, you probably will be one day'!

Time to get my head out of the clouds now :) I'm going to read the work of a proper author while I wait for Clash of the Titans.

Thank you, blog followers, for keeping me company on my Day Off. Hope you enjoyed it :)

Two things.

Guitar and politics.

Today I have been practising the guitar again. My fingers are actually a little tender today, thought not quite bleeding! I went to the music shop this morning, but it's selection of books was, to be perfectly honest, pants. There was nothing at all that appealed to me. And nothing that was at the right level for me. I'm not quite a beginner now, but I'm by no means an intermediate. So I came home and had a look online, but there was so much choice that I had no idea which book to choose - it's not so easy online either, because you can't see how it's all presented inside. It would perhaps help if I knew what kind of music I'd like to play, but I don't really - I just know that I'd eventually like to be able to play Metallica's Nothing Else Matters! He he - that won't be for a very long time, I should imagine :) So I'm still stuck with the book that I've been using for the past few weeks - it's getting a bit boring now though, practising the same chords over and over.

I did find a very good website that has free Tab on it. UltimateGuitar.com. It's got a good forum on it, where there's lots of advice from other beginners and more experienced guitarists. It looks very good indeed. Noomski uses it too :) I did take a little peek at Nothing Else Matters - ROCK HARD!!! I'll take a look again in about ten years, ha.

But I need something more structured, so that I can see some progression in my playing, and so that I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I could do with lessons really, but they're very expensive, and I don't think there's any way I could afford them. So I'll have to just get along as best I can without. It's still fun though - I love it. I've only been playing since January, and already feel like I know quite a lot. I can play loads of chords now :) And when I pick the guitar up it all feels very familiar too, like it fits in my hands automatically and it's supposed to be there. Mmm, nice.

The other thing I was thinking about this evening was politics. This election's hotted up a bit since the live 'debate' last Thursday, eh? Mmmm, very exciting. I'm going to watch as much I can on the 6th, with Jeremy Vine and the Swingometre. For the first time I have no idea who to vote for in the Parliamentary elections. In the Council elections I vote Green if there is a candidate - usually there isn't though, so I just pick one that's not Conservative ;) But this time - I just don't know. Don't think I like David Cameron - but I don't know why I don't like him. Quite like Gordon Brown - but think he's a rubbish politician/PM. Do like Nick Clegg - might vote LibDem - but not at all certain about that. Oh, I'm not going to be voting based on which leader I like the most, don't worry! No, I do pay attention to the policies; I couldn't really tell you what any of them are, of course, but I kind of let all the random words and soundbites float around in my head and try to get a general flavour of what the party's about. I mean, really, is there anything more that we can do, since when they actually get into power and get their hands on the books, they soon find out that they can't deliver on most of their promises anyway, right?

But then I was thinking that perhaps everything in politics is going to change for the better from now on anyway, because ALL politicians know that they've been bad and that we know they've been bad and that we're fed up of them being bad.

Well, anyway, just less than two weeks left. I don't know who I'm voting for. I think I will be walking into the polling station still undecided. I don't want that to happen, I want to have decided before I go to vote, so that I don't just stick a random cross down at the candidate with the nicest name! I always feel like a bit of a numpty when it comes to politics - I wish I knew more, so that I could make a more informed choice. But where are the canvassers? Not on my street. Can't ask them what they're all about if they're not knocking. I don't want leaflets through my door - waste of money. I want someone to come round and tell me things.

:) That's about as deep as it goes with me and politics - I can think about it in lots of detail and depth, but I can't write about it, for fear of getting things wrong and sounding like a right fool.

It's my Day Off tomorrow. Oooooooooh, I'm so looking forward to it. The day always passes much to quickly, but that's why I stay out late :) I used to come home before tea, but didn't feel like I'd really had a day off because I had to come back and help with the kids again. So now I take myself off to a restaurant for my tea, and then go to the pictures in the evening as well - a proper, full day off. It's completely heavenly. I think I'm staying in town tomorrow. I was thinking about going to Liverpool for one of my days off, but I don't really feel like it at the moment - it would be nice to do the galleries, but I don't feel like I deserve that much of a treat yet, because I've not done any writing for ages. So it'll be writing all day tomorrow, in peace :) Delicious. If I get a few chapters drafted this month then maybe I'll go to Liverpool on the train next month.

Well, I'm going to go to sleep soon. I want to get up nice and early, to make sure that I get as many child-free hours as possible!

Night.

Sorry in advance, for a waffly post.

It's one of those evenings, the kind when I feel like blogging, but have nothing interesting to say. What? That happens all the time, you say? I know. But I'm particularly devoid of inspiration today. I'm hoping to find some on Saturday, on my Day Off.

This evening I have been practising on my guitar. I practise every day if I can. I'm enjoying it hugely, it's such a relaxing hobby to have. The skin on my fingertips is getting nice and tough, and it really doesn't hurt to play now - not that it was ever agony. I've got to the end of the book that my brother lent me: Rhythm Guitar for Beginners :) I'm off to the music shop in Morecambe to find the next book tomorrow - might have a little browse for some easy song books too. I don't really know what I want to play, so I don't know what I'm looking for. So far I've been learning lots of nice chords, and just practising them over and over again, changing between them and trying to memorise the fingering. I'm enjoying the major seventh chords that I've just learned - they're very, very pretty. I'd quite like to learn some songs that I could sing to - but don't expect to ever hear me, because I'm learning for myself only, not to perform!

Now, there's something I miss. The stage. I haven't thought about it for a long time, and once upon a time it was all I thought about. *Deep sigh of regret* I miss the theatre. I was never on stage very much, only a few shows and a few plays at Uni. But oh, it's good! I think I was pretty good at acting, and I have often wondered whether I could've made a living out of it. Never know now. Shame. Could still do some am-dram though :D But how on earth would I fit it in now?! Got the writing to do, got college to go to in a couple of years, college to prepare for next year, kids to play with, guitar to learn, adventures to go on. I just don't know if I can spare three evenings a week for rehearsals. Mmmm. It'd be nice though :) That rush of adrenaline again - mmmm, it is good.

We'll see.

The other thing on my mind is the book. I've decided what to do, but don't hold your breathe waiting for me to stick to today's plan! I know I change my mind between the two novels that I'm working on as often as I ... do the dusting, but this time I think I've come up with a good solution to my fickleness problem. I'm going to get the manuscript ready for Freaky Jones (this is the working title for a story that grew out of some memories of my own life at senior school) over the next few months. The story is almost all there in my head, clear as anything, it just needs writing down. Easy peasy! Then I'm going to send it off to a publisher. Then, while I'm waiting to hear back about Freaky Jones (and this could take a very long time, and I could have one or two more manuscripts done by the time I ever hear anything about the first one!) I can work on the other one, about faeries. If I get the one that's easier to write out of the way then I can't be distracted by it, can I? That seems so obvious now, I don't know why I didn't think to do this months ago. D'uh. Relief, for now - but I may well change my mind again next week, he he!

Well, I'm off to read for a bit now. Night all.

Oh, the horror.

This has happened before, but it's REALLY happened this time. I was browsing the Waterstone's website yesterday evening, and came across a book that had me interested and worried at the same time. Interested, because it looked like a damn good story - about faeries, and what they're really like; worried, because it's almost exactly the same story as mine, only much, MUCH better! It looks scary and mega-imaginative, original and compelling. Mine looks very pale compared to this book. And then I start to think that even if I could make mine much grittier (I'm sure I could) and frightening, would it look like I'd just copied my story from the one that's already out? Probably. This is the thing about writing - it takes such a bloody long time! Fine, you come up with an idea; but even for an experienced writer it takes a good year to have a finished manuscript ready. In that year many more writers seem to have exactly the same idea as you and you spot books almost identical to yours popping up all over the place. It's very disheartening.

So, I've got the morning off today, and a whole Day Off on Saturday :) I'm going to have a really good think. I'm going to do some short story exercises and see if I can dig about in my mind and find out what it actually is that I really do want to write. I'll also do some exercises around the characters that I'm already writing about, and see if I can find ways to make them more readable - I think I'm afraid to write characters that people won't like. That's stupid, because every book has to have baddies. And even some of the goodies need to have annoying habits, strange tics and ugly warts, and so on. Noomski said that I shouldn't give up on my book - he's read it and he was surprised by how good it was. He's a bit biased, but he's also honest, and he would tell me if he thought it was rubbish. He tells me I'm rubbish and ugly, fat and annoying most of the time anyway :D

So, hmmm, some free writing this morning I think. After a bath :)

This is my bridal wreath, by the way :) It's in one of the borders in my garden. It's looking splendid right now, all foamy and bright. It only flowers for about a fortnight though, and then it looks quite drab, lol. But I think it's worth the wait for those two weeks of loveliness. I took this photo on my phone - amazing!

Ugh, what to do.

What the ...?! I've returned to my writing this morning, hopeful of finding it waiting for me looking all lovely and exciting and GOOD. Usually, when I've had a little break from my novel because I hate it, I re-read it and it sounds really rather good. This time? Nah. It's crap. I'm very dismayed. The first four chapters are still fine, because they've never changed for months. But the last two chapters I wrote are horrendously dull. I've lost my mojo with this project, I really have. I can't find what it was that inspired me to write it in the first place. It's been dragging on for so long - all my own fault for not pulling my finger out and getting it written two years ago, of course - that it's like a heavy weight around my neck. Maybe I should just file it away and look at it again in a few years. I keep coming back to it, but I can't write it. I don't know if it's beyond me, or if I just don't like the story any more. But I don't think it is beyond me - like I said, the first few chapters are good, I'm very proud of them. They're not perfect, but I've been looking forward to redrafting them.

Hmmm. I'm not sure what to do at all. It's difficult to keep writing when you know that what you're producing is rubbish - it seems like a terrible waste of time to keep writing dross, when I could be spending my time more productively, developing a better idea.

Ah, but now I'm thinking about the research on supernatural beings that I was doing before Easter. There was some good stuff in there. I'd found out about some very interesting demons and demi-gods that would fit beautifully into my story; there was a wealth of characters to choose from in that Encyclopedia of Spirits that I'd been dipping into, and I could imagine some of them really giving a lift to the story in helping me to develop new directions and twists. So perhaps I'm being dramatic again? Do I need to work through the problem I'm having with my boring protagonist, and make him better? Should I persist, or give up on it as a bad job, and move on to something new and fresh? I know the answer really. Of course I should persist - otherwise the last two years' worth of research and writing have been for nothing! (That's rubbish isn't it? Five chapters in two years?! Well, I haven't actually been writing non-stop for two years - mostly I've just been thinking and fleshing out ideas. But it's still not good - I should bloody well get my head together and get on with it and stop moaning and be more focused and be more positive and drag myself out of this stupid lull.)

:) Right, thanks for that bit of therapy. I'll get back to it now. I know what to do. I'm going to fix my hero (might even change him into a girl actually, that might work better), and make him more bad - he's too good and nice right now. Thanks very much, friends - how much do I owe you for this session? Same time next week?

Are girls actually more breakable than boys?

I was wondering about this, after a little thing that happened at The Zone the other day. I sometimes think my boys are little softies, lol, but essentially I know that they're really quite tough. We love nothing more than a good fight in our house, from time to time. You know the kind when the kids get chucked around the living room and leap off the furniture and roar and laugh their heads off right up until the point when someone cracks their head? Well, we like a bit of that :)

Anyway, when we were at The Zone, I found this teeny little girl right at the top of the soft play structure thingy. She was on her own, and looked absolutely petrified. She wasn't speaking - out of shock I think - and was just looking at me as though she was about to cry, bless her. I helped

Matthew down first, and then asked if she'd like me to help her down. Bless the little wee thing, she held her arms out to me. If I'd known her I would've immediately just grabbed her and chucked her down after my lads - but I had to have a look about first to see if there was a parent about who might be looking for her (you never know if you're allowed to touch other people's kids these days, do you?!). There was no-one around, so I hoisted her up onto my hip and took her down to the level below. When I lifted her up though, I almost laughed out loud, as I must have just picked her up as I do Matthew - she looked even more terrified, if that's possible, and threw her arms around my neck. I plonked her down when we got down the ladder, and she looked completely shocked again. I'm absolutely positive that it was because she'd never been chucked about like that before. It was so funny. I'd never really realised how rough we are in our family, but this brought it home to me - in a nice way :) But anyway, I took her right down to the bottom and her mum was there waiting for her - why her mum wasn't in there playing with her, I don't know, grrrrrr! Anyway, it all made me wonder if people generally treat girls and boys differently. If I had girls would we still have our mad half hours, or would we sit about doing girl things instead? Urgh! I suppose I know the answer to that one - I'm a girl myself, after all, and I don't really do girly stuff. If I had a daughter she'd have to put up with being roared at and hurled about the room for a laugh if she was to fit in with the rest of the family!

But what about other people? Do they treat their girls and boys differently? I have no idea. I see lots of girls dressed in pink and dresses all the time and worry for them - worry that they don't get to be boisterous and rowdy! I hope they do :)

Oh, by the way, today's pictures were Kev's idea. Last year I wrote a short story about a couple who decide to separate, but the fella decides to do his missus in at the last minute, and hits her over the head with her favourite Tiffany lamp - our pictures are a representation of that story :D I'm not sure what the ketchup was for!

I've figured it out.

I've figured out why it is that I've been in a bad mood for most of the Easter holidays. It's because I've not achieved anything for myself. Selfish cow, eh?! Very silly of me to let myself be in a bad mood when I knew in advance that I wouldn't get to do any writing for a fortnight, or have much time alone.

Last year I planned something to do with the kids every day, and stuck to the plan. This year I never really got round to making the plan, and this was a grave mistake. This meant that I allowed myself to be lazy, to let the kids play on their own quite a lot, to snap at them for no really good reason, and be a general mardy arse! I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself. But at least I have learned that I need to do the Plan - I won't forget to do it again.

But am I perhaps being a little hard on myself? The boys, despite being roared at several times a day for doing nothing worse than spilling a cup of juice, have had a lovely, relaxing two weeks. They've been allowed to watch telly EVERY morning; they've been allowed to eat at McDonald's twice; they've been taken out to some lovely places (Wildlife Oasis, Grizedale Forest of course, Williamson's Park, The Zone, the Stone Jetty, the beach, and the cinema today). I asked Thomas if he'd had a nice holiday, and he said that he'd had a great time. He just enjoys being able to relax and not have to be at school - and he loves playing with his brothers, who are, after all, his best friends. James and Matthew love having him home too. So, I don't think it matters very much if I'm being less than attentive with them, because their more interested in playing with each other than me anyway. But I'm still going to get back to normal in the half term holiday. I've missed out on playing with them this Easter, because I've been lazy and I've been immersed in my books - unforgivable. I LOVE playing with them.

Oh, I did play with them yesterday, at The Zone - indoor soft play place. I always play with them there. There's no way I could sit and watch them on the slide without having a go myself!! And I go the fastest on it, and almost take off on the last bump! It's fantastic - and rather a good work out as well, lol. I always come out of there with a bright red face and in great need of a shower. I'd really like to be able to play there with them more often, but it's not very cheap.

Don't know what we're doing tomorrow. I've run out of ideas. Think I might let them ride their bikes (although, that means some pain for my back, as Matthew isn't pedalling yet and needs pushing!). I'm sad that it's the last day of the holidays - I wish I could start it all over again, and never be cross with them, and keep my smile on the whole time. But everyone gets it wrong sometimes, don't they? Mmm, I know they do. I'm only human :) I'll do better next time.

By the way, I'm being very naughty and even though I finished reading the whole Twilight Saga a couple of days ago, I am reading it again!! I tried reading something else - The Book Thief - but wasn't quite ready to be without Edward! Oh dear. But I'm not letting the reading take over my life this time :) I'm taking my time, and savouring the beautiful writing. The challenge will come on Monday morning - my writing time: will I be able to do the writing, or will I cave and just pick up Twilight?! We'll see ;)

*Sigh* - very tired, night night.