Something seems to have gone wrong in my brain. I came home from my day off yesterday, and as soon as I stepped through the front door I actually felt the foul mood enter my soul. I snapped at Kev as soon as I saw him, and the poor guy hadn't done anything wrong. I went to bed in a foul mood, and it was still there when I got up. I have spent the morning so far screaming at the kids, and they haven't done anything wrong. Instead of making the most of the day with them I have launched myself into some deep cleaning, pulling sofas out and hoovering under them and behind them and inside them! I have blamed the kids for my bad mood, and I have told them that I am sick of them making so much mess for me to clean up every day. They are looking bewildered.
So I thought I'd come and write it all down, see if I could exorcise it.
Oh my goodness! I am actually feeling a little bit better because my children have just come up to see where I am, and each one of them hugged me and told me that they love me!!! Why would they do that, when I'm so evil? They need to be kept away from me for their own sanity and safety, because I'm unstable today. But still they love me. That's special, that is.
I'm not used to feeling so bad. I wonder what I can do to eradicate the feeling completely. My kids have made the anger disappear, but now I am still feeling guilt and a bit of sadness. I will go and find something fun to do with Thomas, James and Matthew and maybe that will work. I know that I don't need to poison myself with guilt, because I'm just having a bad day and I haven't done it on purpose. I am now going to forgive myself and try to move on.
Ommmmmmmmmm. There, forgiven.
I think I am feeling a build up of lots of little niggly things, and my pot of crappiness has filled up to the top and overflowed a bit. I think I have some issues and problems to deal with - obviously the best thing to do is deal with them, rather than sweep them under the carpet. I will make a list this evening, and will probably feel refreshed after that.
Is this my first negative post, ever? Well, it had to happen at some point. Let's hope it's the last for a long time. I don't like feeling negative, it doesn't suit me, and it definitely does not suit my lime green Docs.